Here's a guide to what our review scores mean in literal terms. If we give a game a score with .5 on the end, it's because we're indecisive and while we liked it, we think that there's something crucial holding it back from the next level up. Either that or it's a scrappy underdog and we feel the .5 is deserved for sheer gumption, one or the other.
1/10 This is an absolute rancid bum-clinker with no redeeming features. A real Hitler of a videogame, if you will. For a game to reach scores this low, it has to be not only bad in and of it's itself but double-bad considering the time and culture in which it was made. There is no way that this game could be any worse even if it spat on you whenever you turned on your console.
2/10 Something stops this from being utterly awful – maybe the graphics are okay, maybe we're in a good mood – but you should still by no means buy it. If you see someone with a copy of the game, you are free to stop being their friend.
3/10 Once or twice whilst playing this we thought, “Ooh, this is fun” and then realised that it wasn't, and it was all a dirty trick. Aside from brief flashes of enjoyment, this is still a pretty reprehensible piece of software and you should only exchange money for it if you're a fan of the genre and feel like having your hopes dashed.
4/10 A flawed concept or shoddy execution puts this one step below average. Whilst it's still bad, it's not as bad as shutting your cock in a drawer or anything like that.
5/10 Mediocrity incarnate. Almost worse than scoring a 1, because at least then the developers would have managed to upset us. Left no lasting impression, will trade in almost immediately. A perfectly serviceable game but cursed with all the import of a fart in a wind tunnel.
6/10 Not bad. Not great, you understand, but still. This game has some good ideas or it executes a well-worn concept with skill and panache, but it's let down by flawed gameplay, badly-thought-out balancing issues, or shoddy graphics. Still worth a look though, despite everything, if you're in a good mood or it's on sale for five quid.
7/10 We're crossing the border of recommendation, here. This game is genuinely fun, considering everything, and has some nice ideas. Length, polish or pacing issues are generally the problems keeping it from getting higher - but if you enjoy other things like it, pick it up.
8/10 We like eights. Eights are the sort of games that you'll bore your friends talking about, because while there's often some tiny thing wrong with them it's massively outweighed by all the very good things. Like falling over and hurting your knee but spotting a tenner under the couch while you're down there.
9/10 A fantastic game which should definitely be a part of your collection. Some minor flaws are still apparent which could piss you off a little bit, but in no way ruin your experience of an otherwise incredible game. Day one purchase.
10/10 This is it – a shining, glittering example of wonder and beauty in game form that you should be happy to call your wife. Or Husband. Whatever. A classic. A game for the ages, to talk of reverentially in hushed whispers when your future-grandchildren ask you what computer games were like before the robots took over. If you have not played this game, you are incomplete, and you should consider selling your shoes and/or organs to purchase it.