There’s something about ‘baby pop sensation Justin Bieber’ that really gets our goat.

Maybe it’s his hair, which is quite annoying.

Maybe it’s the fact he’s worth about six million dollars, and he’s only four years old.

Maybe it’s the fact his hair is really annoying.

Maybe it’s the fact he always look so bloody smug.

Maybe it’s his hair. Look at it: it's really quite annoying.

Maybe it’s the fact boys his age should be outside, innocently frolicking about with chums, not sending thousands of teenage girls into paroxysms of youthy lust with their over styled hair.

Maybe it’s his annoying hair – all fringe and hairspray and coiffing. How annoying.

Maybe it’s the fact he’s just enjoyed a little pretendy sexy tryst with epitome of hotness Kim Kardashian.

Maybe it’s his hair, which, if you hadn’t noticed, is bloody annoying.

Maybe it’s jealousy. But probably not. It’s probably one of those other things. Like his annoying hair.


Notice anything annoying about this picture?

Now, the little pint-sized hit-factory has given us yet another reason to hate him: he’s cracking onto two of our favourite ladies – Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry.

"Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot."

The canny little devil is covering his intentions under a thinly veiled platonic charade, but we’re not buying it. We know your game, Bieber.

"Maybe they could coach me and tell me how to work out which ones are the good ones. That would be pretty awesome. I would like to invite the two of them out for dinner so they can tell me the best way to win a woman like them."

And anyway, a younger version mixing the two? If such an alchemically perfect creature were to exist, she’d be ours. We’d have her on the cover quicker than you can say:

“My first love broke my heart for the first time,
And I was like Baby, baby, baby ohhh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought youd always be mine mine”

Bleugh.

Meanwhile, scientists continue to waste time cloning cows – seriously, what’s the point? They all look the same anyway – rather than creating a Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry hybrid. Cheryl Perry’s got a nice ring to it. And Katy Cole is just great. When is alliteration not sexy? Shhh, Mo Mowlam.

So, we’ll do the best we can with a little montage of them. Maybe try squinting, tilting your head to one side, and scrolling through the pictures really fast – you might get a heavenly vision of Bieber’s hybrid dream woman. Or, more likely, you’ll get some funny looks and a ticking off from your boss. Worth the risk though, eh?