Poor Cheryl Cole is terrified that Nicole Scherzinger wants her X-Factor seat for keeps. We'd give up our seat for Cheryl. But, there again, if we were Nicole, we'd never leave the house. Which would probably prevent us becoming an X-Factor judge in the first place.

Cheryl had wanted Girls Aloud chum Kimberly Walsh to keep her seat warm – mmm, we’ll bank that image for later… – but Nicole got the nod and has proved an instant hit with Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh.

It’s now fallen to new squeeze Derek Hough to comfort Cheryl and ensure her anxiety doesn’t affect her recovery from malaria, the disease she contracted during their romantic break in Tanzania.

Hold on: she hooks up with this Hough fella, then contracts malaria, and now Nicole – who’s a good friend of his – is sniffing round Cheryl’s job. If this was an episode of Scooby Doo, we’d expect Louis Walsh to pull Hough’s face off to reveal a bashful “And I would have gotten away with it if it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids,” Ashley Cole. But it’s not. So that won’t happen. Probably.