FHM's Girlfriends: the ultimate collection

Posted by , 23 December 2010

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You met Charlotte at your local amateur dramatics class, took her to the seaside, and the rest is history. She likes crabbing, being told ‘no’ and isn’t afraid to split the tab.

How long after meeting did we go on a date?
A couple of weeks. You’d been pestering me with texts but it was banter.

Where did I take you?
We went crabbing by the seaside. I love crabbing!

How did I convert the date into a relationship?
You made me laugh and didn’t let me get my own way all the time.

You’re a princess, then?
No, not at all. I like to test people but it’s quite nice when they pull the reigns back in now and then.

Did we kiss when we went crabbing?
Just a peck. Just a taster, but there was definite chemistry.

What did we do on our second date? Whale fishing?
Badger hunting.

No, no, I’m only joking. We didn’t really do that. We went for a nice meal.

We paid?
No, we split the tab. I insisted. It’s nice when I get a treat, but I’m always grateful because I’m not used to it.

How long before it became official?
It was about two months of dating. Two months of un-PC activities.

When did we sleep together?
You know the answer to that. I’m not telling you.

Was it any good?
The perfect ten.

Would you lie to me?
No, I’m telling the truth. If you were rubbish I’d tell you in a nice way and work on it.

You’d have dumped me if I was really bad though…
But it can’t be bad if we get on so well. And if we’re open about it…

Am I marriage material?
I’m 21, so no. You’re very nice but I’m too little to think about that.

I’m broke, so is it okay if we stay in for a week?
Yeah, I’d like that. We could make ourselves a little love nest. A fort, in fact.

I’m a good cook but a bit messy. Fair?
I’ll help you do the dishes if you cook the dinner.

Can you cook?
I’m more experimental.

What does that mean?
Badger with a side of dolphin. That sort of thing.  

I’m calling the RSPCA. Should I defend you in a fight?
I’ll try and hold my own, but you should defend me, too.

What was our last big argument about?
You went AWOL on a lads’ night out and didn’t get in touch with me for days.

What about if I was sick when I got in from said night out?
That would be a nightmare. I might clean it as a one-off but I’d expect lots of loving and treats in return.

If I was in the shower would you use the toilet?

Am I allowed to do the same?
If it was only a wee and you didn’t do it in the shower with me.

That’s a whole other question. Should I be jealous about your job?
No, because you know I’m with you, so you’re supportive.

Have we tried to make our sex life more interesting?
Well, it’s pretty interesting as it is, actually.

I’ve had your name tattooed on my arm...
Oh my God, why would you get branded? That’s a bit scary!


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