FHM's Girlfriends: the ultimate collection

Posted by , 22 December 2010

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Chloe

Holy mother of God, how did this happen? Two weeks ago you were buying 20-year-old Chloe a Martini in a wine bar, and now this. You're not sure if you're being punished or rewarded. Either way, best do what she says, and don't forget her birthday or you really will be in trouble...

Are you a good girlfriend?
Yes.

Can you explain why?
I don’t know; I hate the 'typical woman' thing that men say. I don’t like moaning. I like cooking. I like taking care of somebody if it’s a two-way thing, and I’m always happy.

Always happy? I don’t believe you.
Well, I do have my moments, but I always have a smile on my face.

Can you remember how we met?
We met in a wine bar. You came over and made me laugh. Nothing cheesy, just something funny.

Were you drinking?
Yeah, I was drinking a Martini and lemonade.

How soon was our first date?
About a week after. We sent a few texts first.

Did you leave me hanging?
I definitely left you hanging, yeah. Text message-wise, I could reply straight away, or later on in that day or wait for a second message, that sort of thing.

A second message? Stinks of desperation. Still, it must have gone well, what did I do?
We took my dog for a walk, so it was casual and not too much pressure. There wasn’t even any kissing or anything like that.

When did we have our first kiss?
That was on the second date. It was very good.

How long until we made it official?
About 3 months.

Had we slept together by then?
Yes.

Was I any good? I suppose I must've been…
Yes, I suppose you’ve got to test it before you say, yes, we’re together.

Marks out of ten?
Nine.

Pretty good. Would you watch porn with me?
Probably not. I’d feel a bit uncomfortable. I’m quite a passionate person so I would prefer you to be turned on by me.

How about if we wanted to make a video together?
Erm, depends how far it goes. Maybe!

How long before I met your parents?
Not long. My parents are quite easygoing and sociable people, easy to talk to. If I like you, they’ll like you.

Have you got a scary dad?
No, my mum's the scary one.

Really, how come?
She’s just a lot more harsh. My dad’s a big softie to me.

So I’ve got to get on with your mum...
Definitely got to get on with my mum.

Should I bring flowers or is that a bit sucky?
She just likes people to talk to her so don’t be shy. You’ve got to taste all of her food too, because she cooks a lot.

Right, well I’m quite a good cook too but I’m untidy. Is that a fair compromise?
Yeah, you work differently; everyone works differently.

How much time can I spend with my mates before you get the hump?
I’d like to see you every day.

Every single day?
Actually, not every single day -  scrap that. At least three times a week.

Should I be taking you out for expensive meals?
I love food. So take me out and wine and dine me or order in a Chinese. I like either one, depending on my mood.

Are you low maintenance, then?
No, high maintenance. I think.

Explain...
I like nice things. I’m very much into my clothes. I’m not high maintenance in a beauty way, I don’t get my nails done, I don’t fake tan. I don’t do anything to myself. I just like nice dinners, nice clothes, nice cars. That sort of thing.

But I’ve lost my job, is that a problem?
No, it’s not a problem, because if one door closes another one will open.

Should I defend you in a fight or should I just let you hold your own?
Yes, defend me in a fight, like a proper man.

I just bought you an ironing board for your birthday...
I’m not very good at ironing.

Would you break up with me if I did that?
No, but my birthday is in December so I would expect a very nice, expensive Christmas present.

Am I allowed to merge the two?
No, I hate it when people do that, it’s not my fault my birthday is in December. I want two presents, not one. I’d break up with you if you did that.

ADIOS, PLAIN BLUE SCREEN. HELLO, SEXY CHLOE DESKTOP:


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