FHM's Girlfriends: the ultimate collection
19 year old Ella is currently studying at a dance school (she does it professionally). She likes watching South Park, and doesn’t mind if you look like you haven’t washed for weeks. Just don’t expect her to clear up your sick or watch boring porn with you.
Where did we meet?
It would have been at a bar in Camden, that’s where I hang out usually.
Who made the first move?
You came and talked to me obviously. It depends, you don’t have to be that traditional.
Did I have to buy you a drink?
You did, you came over with a big bottle of champagne.
So champagne impresses you?
What was it that attracted you to me?
You had loads of tattoos and you looked a bit dirty, not well groomed.
Really? I just got your name tattooed on my arm...
You’re an idiot. I’d think about ways we could cover it up, but still try extra hard to make the relationship work because you’d made the effort.
And did we kiss on the first night?
No, I arranged a date with you and walked home with my mates.
How long was it before I texted you?
That night, as soon as you got home.
Did you reply straight away?
No, I was asleep, and anyway, it was a drunken text so I wasn’t in a rush.
How long before I met your parents?
Parents? I think you met my mum on the first night. There’s a good chance she was out with me actually.
Would it be a bad thing if I had flirted with her?
No, people can flirt with who they want to. That would be hilarious.
And what if they don’t like me?
That would be it. My mum’s like my best friend, so….
And how was it when you met mine?
I was a bit nervous but I’m sociable so it was OK. My charm’s non-existent but people tend to like me anyway.
Understandable. And what are Sundays like at our house?
Generally we’d stay in bed all day and not get up. I think we’d watch South Park, repeatedly.
If I’d rolled in drunk from the night before would that be alright?
Yeah, that’s fine.
And if I was sick would you clean it up?
You’d clean it up yourself. I might rub your back, but if you missed the toilet then that’s it. I don’t do sick very well.
If I left you alone would you go through my internet history?
Er, no. I think you should respect people’s privacy.
Am I allowed to have porn around the house then?
Yeah. Doesn’t every man have porn around the house? I think it’s a bit freaky when men don’t have porn.
Would you watch it with me?
It depends. The thought of watching a man and woman having sex is just boring, maybe girls.
How many dates did it take before we slept together?
It depends – but about 5.
Was it any good?
No, first time sex is never great because you don’t know each other’s bodies. It’s probably alright for you, but it’s different for girls.
Would you tell us what we were doing wrong?
Yeah, straight away, why hold back?
How about kinky stuff? Can I blindfold you??
Nah, I’d just end up laughing.
And how about us making a 'home movie'?
Not yet, I don’t trust you.
Are we going to get drunk together?
Yeah, but I’ll probably end up making you sleep on the sofa because me and alcohol don’t mix. I get really angry.
So if we’re out and another girl is giving me the eye is that going to annoy you?
Oh God no, I’ll probably have looked at her before you have.
Is there anything in your house you don’t want me to find?
Maybe my diaries. If you found them you’d know everything about me.
Would you dump us if we read them?
No, I’d probably just beat you up a bit. With a stiletto.
And will you wear underwear around the house for me?
Yeah, but nothing too girly. Not bondage-y, but not frilly.
Would you be impressed if I bought some for you?
Yes, very, and even more impressed if you got my bra size right.
I’m a 32B so I wouldn’t want you to expect me to be an E or something.
We’ve made a note.
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