We’re good people here. We don’t let our personal desires prevent us from wishing happiness on others. Like when One Direction lost X Factor, that floppy-haired one that one day may well become a lesbian could have been all bitter and resentful. Instead, he happily said to winner Matt Cardle: “Think how much pussy you’re gonna get…” That’s the spirit.

What’s this got to do with anything, you may wonder. Well, the rather splendidly splendid Michelle Keegan has gone and got herself a boyfriend. We could go all dummy out, toys on the floor, rolling around in the aisles of Asda because we’re not allowed anymore Haribo… but we won’t. We’ll just be happy for Michelle and her new man, Max George from The Wanted.

“She’s an awesome girl,” he beamed, as a small shard of our broken heart fell from the bottom of our trouser leg.

Be warned though, Max George from The Wanted, because if we get whiff of any bad treatment of the Mich-meister Keegan-general, we’ll be on your case before you can say:

“Praying won't do it
Hating won't do it
Drinking won't do it
Fighting won't knock you out
Of my head

Hiding won't hide it
Smiling won't hide it
Like I ain't tried it
Everyone's tried it now
And failed somehow

So when you gonna let me
When you gonna let me out – Out”

Well said, The Wanted.

Anyway, if we’re going to relinquish our January coverstar to anyone, it might as well be someone called ‘Maximillian’. Names really don’t come much better than that.

Apart from ObiSupermanHugeBallsTopBlokeTenGoalsHeroOMGBigTunesFred, which is better, obviously.