This, friends, is Larissa Bartolo. She’s 21. She’s an Australian swimwear and glamour model. And she, to the best of our knowledge, has never represented Australia in a sport in which they whooped us, so there’s no reason to go all xenophobic on her ass. Just play nice.

When we were talking to Larissa, we exchanged a few tales of things that had gone wrong in the bedroom. We’ll save our hilarious anecdote about the Polish cleaner, the lava lamp and the goldfish we were sure was dead, for another time. Larissa’s went a bit like this:

“I once decided I was going to spice things up in the bedroom with my boyfriend.

We had some friends over and we’d all had plenty to drink. We waited for them all to fall asleep, then snuck out of the lounge. My boyfriend grabbed the chocolate sauce and we headed up to the bedroom.

She looks pretty handy with the chocolate sauce...

He seductively poured a few little drops on me, licking them off as he went along. In my drunken state, I decided to show him how it’s REALLY DONE.

I straddled him with the bottle of chocolate sauce in hand and a big grin on my face. I twisted open the nozzle and went to pour a little line of sauce down from his chest to his stomach.


What I hadn’t realised was that I’d actually unscrewed the whole lid, which meant I poured practically the whole bottle all over him. I was then in such hysterics that I couldn’t even move to do anything about it. It was definitely a ‘saucy’ night.”

And that's Larissa.