Behold the Miss America pageant 2011. Just look at all the incredibly hot women walking around with nothing in their heads, but hairspray and fictional ambitions. Except obviously it’s not a pageant, it’s a ‘leading provider for scholarships for young women.’ Hot young women.


Hot blonde no.32

Yeah it’s the kind of thing that makes Germaine Greer burst a blood vessel, but it’s bloody great entertainment. Where else can you watch a young woman so brimming with misplaced ambition she’s willing to tap dance to Dolly Parton in a glittery tutu and thong bikini?

The best bit was the producers had decided to distract from the awful awfulness of the talent section with the odd sob story. While Miss Colorado was performing a particularly stilted ‘contemporary point’ version of ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ a little speech bubble popped up by her feet that read ‘was diagnosed with Alopecia at age 10,’ which meant we all spent the rest of her performance trying to figure out if she was wearing a wig.


Her name is ACTUALLY Becky Minger

Here is 2011 Miss America winner Teresa Scanlan doing wooden waving between weeps. The weirdest bit is she is the youngest ever winner of Miss America, like, ever. The poor lass really doesn’t look 17, she looks world-weary. She’s definitely been aged by the unbearable stress of deciding which shade of eyeshadow will promote World Peace better.


Champion Teresa Scanlon

The bikini preliminaries were, of course pure joy. Lots of incredible women walking around really slowly (if you don’t look directly at their teeth) is probably about the best thing ever. Pageant girls are hot, make no mistake, but they are probably about as fun as a piece of really smiley plywood and about as good in bed.