You want to know what’s happened, don’t you? Here’s what’s happened: we’ve put four mega-ladies from the best TV programme about a bit of Chester that doesn’t exist ever on the cover of our magazine. Not only that, we’ve dressed them up as action heroes because very few things are more fun than pretending to be Quentin Tarantino. Not even jumping on bubble wrap.

Of the experience, Claire Cooper says: “I like an action man, I like a guy who can do stuff and use his own initiative. Weirdly, I really fancy Jeff Goldblum, he rocks my world, he’s a big tall man. Bruce Willis in Die Hard is quite hot. But it has to be Goldblum, though not in The Fly.”

Jorgie Porter added: “For my work experience at high school I went into the Army for a week. It was the best thing! If I wasn’t doing this, I think I’d definitely join up. I fired a gun – I think it was an SA80 – and I got my skin caught when I changed the magazine. That hurt!

Jennifer Metcalfe commented: “A man needs to be a real man, not those bulging six-packs, that’s disgusting. I like a real man, none of that action-hero body stuff – that’s weird. As I’ve got older I’ve got a lot more fearless. We had to do our own stunts for this church explosion [in Hollyoaks], and we had to chuck ourselves off the church balcony. That was fun.”

Gemma Merna revealed: “I wouldn’t say I was particularly hard. I’ve only ever been in play fights. But I’d definitely step in to protect a friend. I used to do tae kwon do and judo when I was young and was good at the kicks and punching, but I didn’t get a black belt. I didn’t get into a fight, I got bored and moved onto dancing. I could dance myself out of a fight.”

So there you go.

Here's what the issue looks like:

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