Jenna – where are we going wrong with our girlfriends?
Hmm. When you go down on her, if you just keep the same motion and speed for about two-and-a-half minutes, she’ll come every time.
Great. Umm… this “same speed” bit – are we talking fast or slow?
Not too fast, not too slow. You should also tell her how beautiful she is at least three times a day.
Thanks. How do we knock out some decent home-made porn?
Buy a dimmer, because no woman likes full light blasting on her skin, and two cameras help. I like to put one on a tripod, and hold the other, so you get two angles. And I guess you’ve just got to let go and go for it.
Well, it depends on the kind of sex, but I’m partial to speed metal.
Hmm. We’re picturing you being pounded to Napalm Death…
Ha ha! It all depends on the mood.
Who’s the most famous person that’s tried to get into your pants?
Pretty much everyone I ever meet tries to fuck me. I don’t know if it’s because they think I’m attractive, or they want to tell their friends they’ve fucked “The World’s Most Famous Porn Star”.
But are you a flirt?
Yes. I’m really, really, really sexual. I like to have sex two or three times a day. I love to spend all day in bed.
So what percentage of your on-screen orgasms are real?
I’d say around 75%. As you get older, you’re able to tune out all that’s going on and it’s easier to get off.
But every orgasm’s good, right?
No, that’s not true. There’s many different types of orgasm. I mean, like last night for instance – I got myself off. Well that orgasm is definitely not as good as one with my boyfriend.
So you can have crap orgasms?
Oh, definitely – you know where in the middle it can just sort of die off?
Not here, love…
Ha! You lucky dog.
You claim you had sex with current columnist Jenny McCarthy, which she denies. Is it true?
Oh, you know I don’t talk about my sexual conquests… but let me just tell you that Jenny is a great girl.
You’re well known as porn’s first female millionaire…
Well, I have made stacks of cash…
Okay, but what was the easiest cash you made in a day?
When I was 22, I remember doing shows and making $50,000.
I would perform at strip clubs.
For 50 grand?! Were you being porked by a donkey?
No, I would do a three-song set, stripping. At one place in Rhode Island there were about 1,000 guys, all shouting and screaming. It was like being a rock star.
Are strippers pull-able?
Don’t even try. The girls are just there to take your money. A lot of them are lesbians. The guys in strip clubs are often drunk, chauvinist pigs. Think about it – you hear the worst kind of things come out of their mouths, so it kind of makes you want to eat pussy for the rest of your life.
Tell us about your strip club in Arizona…
You know the city council tried to shut me down? The club had been in business for over 30 years, no problem, but the minute I bought the place they closed me down. They thought I would fold and leave, but I took them to the vote and won. Everyone in town voted for me.
Are you a ferocious opponent?
Oh, don’t fuck with me! I may only be 100lb, but I am mean!
Who are your main competitors in the world of porn?
I’ve got to a point where there is no competition, because I’ve taken myself to the next level. I’m not just a porn star, I have my own company, and I guess I pretty much own the competition now.
What do you do for your girls that you wish directors had done for you?
When I was starting out, I was staying in cockroach-infested motels, driving myself to shoots. I take care of my girls. Five-star hotels, limos. I just love seeing them being the little divas they are.
Have you had any porn injuries?
Well, you’re working with guys who are pretty well endowed so you can get really sore. That’s one of the worst things about this industry: you have to have sex with guys who are too big for you, and you just limp away in pain. That’s why I often did just one movie a year.
Hang on. You did one film and then took the rest of the year off?
Sure. Plus, I didn’t like giving myself away. I think that my pussy is like a present – not very many people should have it.
Did porn save your life?
Yeah, it did. You know, when I was younger, I was all over the place. When I got into this business I didn’t think it would turn into a career and make me a huge amount of money, but I made it into that. Before, I wanted to be a TV anchorwoman!
What are your plans right now?
I’m in talks to make my book into a movie. It looks like we’re going to be selling it to a big movie company and go into production next year.
Will you be playing yourself?
No. We’re looking, hopefully, at Scarlett Johansson. She’s my choice.
So you’ll have to teach her about porn sets and strips clubs…
Yeah, she’ll have to spend some time with me, that’s for sure.
Do you fancy her?
I think she’s beautiful.
Yeah, but if you got to know her really well, you might end up with a secret story about her, too…
I’m not telling nothin’! It’s all definitely professional – wink-wink!
So what’s next for porn? Is it all getting a bit nasty?
Well, yeah it is. It just doesn’t turn me on to see a girl take three dicks up her ass. To me, that’s just disturbing! I avoid those kind of movies, and any time I can I speak out against them.
Are you trying to clean up the industry?
No, because I believe everyone should have a product they can jack off to, and some guys enjoy that kind of movie, but I don’t support it.
What would we be surprised to learn about you?
I’m one of those girlfriends who’s a complete pushover. If you were my boyfriend I’d rub your feet, cook you meals, get you coffee. I’m very thoughtful and cuddly – but if you mess with me, I’ll pack my shit and be out in two seconds.
So how would an FHM reader have a chance?
Wow. Well, I don’t really get a lot of guys hitting on me in bars. I think if someone came over and talked to me like a normal person then they’ve got a chance, rather than going, “Oh, I’m such a fan! I’ve jacked off to you, like, 30 times. And that was just last week!” Man, that creeps me out.
Okay, what’s more important: sense of humour or good shoes?
Being funny. Because honey, I can always buy you new shoes…
Original interview by Mike Peake in the February 2007 issue of FHM UK magazine