The Machete trailer seems to have been engineered in a lab to make your 14-year-old self soil himself from a sheer overload of awesome. Guns, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan weirdly dressed as a nun (she's fooling nobody), Robert De Niro looking a bit like he's in a sequel to Heat and Steven Seagal having a knife fight. Amazing.

The film, which first appeared as a fake trailer in Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino's Grind House double-bill,  is the brilliantly ridiculous sounding story of Machete (Danny Trejo) a drifter offered a lot of money to kill a corrupt senator (Robert De Niro).

He recruits a gang to fight with him. They include:

Lindsay Lohan as a socialite with a thing for guns (and dressing up as a nun, apparently)

Michelle Rodriguez as a woman who makes taco and has some guns and a bikini top.

For some reason or another he takes on Steven Seagal in a giant knife fight. Why? It doesn't matter.

Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is tracking Machete, and who also enjoys a white vest and showers.

The only way this film could be more promising is if also featured robot dinosaurs mounting an attack on a topless rodeo in space.