Keeley Hazell - back in 2006 - agreed to be FHM's agony aunt. You sent in questions and we posed them to the oracle Keeley. Here are the results...

WORDS: Mike Peake (From the November 2006 issue of FHM).


I’m 29, and the only single girls in the pubs and clubs these days seem to be about 18. Are they looking at me thinking, “Old git”?
John Kessler, Kidderminster
Keeley: No, probably not. My friend, who’s 19, loves guys over 30. I think when you’re my age, the guys that you meet do tend to be a bit older, but we like that. A girl matures quicker than a bloke anyway and I think girls think they can learn something from an older guy; they’ve done more.
FHM: At what age would you draw the line?
Keeley: Forty.
FHM: Forty!?
Keeley: Er… or under.

If I meet an ample-breasted lady in a club – and she’s happily showing me some cleavage – should I comment on her chesticles?
Ted, Leeds
Keeley: Hmm. I think some girls would find that offensive – probably best to leave it. If you say, “Oh! You have a great cleavage!” you’d probably be called a perv. I’d comment on her face, or something.
FHM: Is it permissible to glance down at the breastal area?
Keeley: Oh, you guys do it all time. Just don’t get caught! That happens a lot. You’ll be talking to someone in a club, look away, turn round and catch them gawping. And they’ll be like, “Oh, hi!” and try and make out they weren’t looking. Pah!

What drink should I be buying for girls to make them horny?

Tom, Poole
Keeley: Isn’t there a drink that’s been scientifically proven to make women horny? Maybe it’s champagne, because it makes a good impression. A large vodka and orange gets me in the mood, but an expensive champagne can definitely make you feel lively. Just don’t buy me a neat gin. It makes me feel ill.

My girlfriend has got tiny tits. Do you think she’d be offended if I offered to pay for a boob job?
JT, Canterbury
Keeley: Ooh, you’d have to find out whether she wanted one before asking – girls are sensitive about stuff like that. I suppose one way would be to comment on other people with big boobs and ask her if she wishes she had bigger ones or whether she’s happy with them as they are. Then say, “I’d pay if you’d like a boob job.” Bring it in that way or you’ll hear, “You bastard!”

I saw my tipsy girlfriend snogging one of her female friends the other day, and I don’t know how to feel about it. What do you think?
James, London
Keeley: When girls kiss their friends it’s more of an attention thing. I think they’re just doing it for the guys, so I don’t think there’s any reason to be worried. A lot of guys get quite jealous about it, but if they know their girlfriend is straight and it’s just a bit of fun, it should be fine. Here’s a tip, though: it’s acceptable for girls to do it... but not guys!
FHM: Have you done it?
Keeley: No. All of my friends have, but I haven’t felt the need to.
FHM: You don’t need the attention?
Keeley: I haven’t been drunk enough!

My girlfriend is self-conscious when she’s naked, even though she’s got a great bod. How can I make her more confident about herself?
Sash, by e-mail
Keeley: I think any girl can be self-conscious – even I can be, when I’m doing a shoot. I’ll eat a jacket potato and think I look pregnant! She’s probably worrying over nothing – keep encouraging her and hopefully she’ll realise she’s sexy and that every girl worries like she does.
FHM: Can you appreciate those cantaloupes of yours?
Keeley: Yeah, I can. I’m quite lucky to have boobs that are perky and big, but before I started modelling I was just like every other girl wishing she had bigger boobs.

I like dirty talk, but the missus and I can’t agree on a non-offensive word for “fanny”. Any ideas?
Ted Close, Warrington
Keeley: I use “mini”, but I don’t think that’s going to do it. If he says that he might get booted out of the bedroom. Sorry! Next!

How many dates do I need to take a girl on before I should reasonably be expecting a nice squeeze? Two?
Dez, Oswestry
Keeley: I think he should know when the time is right and it’s comfortable between them. If he gets invited back to hers then that might be an invite for a squeeze. Then again, it might not be.
FHM: What’s your rule?
Keeley: It’s normally over a month before anything happens. But I hope it’s worth the wait!