Deliver Us From Evil hit cinemas last week and it's wonderful in an absolute sleep shattering living nightmare kind of way. Which got us thinking... what the hell would we do if we were thrust into a horror movie where an all manner of bad things were kicking off?
Here's our guide to not losing your life if you ever manage to find yourself in a real life horror movie...
Tap the arrow or use your arrow keys to scroll through the gallery
01 Avoid cabins
Barring perhaps the crater of an active volcano, there are few places on Earth where you are less likely to survive a night than a log cabin, deep in the woods.
The most basic rule of surviving a horror film is simply this: stay the fuck away from cabins. Seriously. How could being miles away from the nearest town, in a small wooden hut with a murder-rate higher than Honduras, ever be a good idea?
02 Curiosity is not a virtue
It isn’t just cats that are vulnerable to the gory will of curiosity. Not even a group of beautiful young ladies lounging around in their pyjamas are safe from it.
So when someone pulls out a dusty old Ouija board and suggests giving it a bash, make your excuses and take yourself home. Curses are notoriously difficult to shake off.
03 Avoid all "innocent fun"
Right, so you didn’t listen. You wouldn’t be the first to ignore some perfectly well-meaning, rational advice. “The Ouija board’s just a bit of innocent fun,” we hear you say. Well, here’s some news for you: there’s no such thing. All fun is by nature enjoyable, and therefore disgusting, evil and punishable by murder.
Them’s the rules.
04 Celibate is best
Imminent danger and certain death can drive people to the sexiest extremes. Generally speaking, though, this pre-murder-victim time is best spent coming up with an exit strategy, sourcing some weapons, or at least praying.
If you are going to insist on getting it on with your open-minded friend, then do consider your surroundings. Entertaining though it may be for the deranged, sex-starved voyeur lurking in the bushes, it is inadvisable in the post-Ouija board period to give in to that most basic female urge: to cop off with another girl.
05 Cover up
There’s a time and a place to get your boobs out. That time, of course, is any time, the place: any place. However, if you’re an attractive human female inhabiting a horror movie, then you need to be made aware that should you flash even the faintest hint of side-boob, you can expect a bloody, gruesome death.
All baddies, it would seem – from serial killers to monsters to evil spirits – can sense an exposed boob from across a Nebraskan corn field. It pains us to say it, but if you want to survive, stay clothed.
06 Stay away from weird people
That nice bearded chap who offered to give you a lift to his cabin after your perfectly good hire car mysteriously broke down on the side of the road while you were "fooling around" in the woods? You know, the one with the speech impediment who couldn’t take his eyes off your girlfriend and kept whispering, "Such soft, soft skin." Remember him?
Well, it turns out he’s a sick, twisted pervert who wants to decorate his walls with your flesh. Funny how these things work out.
07 Arm yourself
This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised by the number of people who go roaming around haunted houses and the like, armed with nothing more than their good looks and feeble minds. Even the most unassuming household object can be turned into a deadly protective weapon, so grab something – anything.
Just don’t bring a knife to a chainsaw fight.
08 Stay away from windows
Windows are little more than fragile harbingers of doom. The only thing you’re ever likely to see by peeking through one is your life, flashing before your eyes. So if you’re not planning on diving through an open one, stay the hell away.
09 Avoid confined spaces
Hiding in the smallest room in the house shows a lack of basic common sense. There may not be enough room to swing a cat, but there’s plenty for a spot of the old stabby-stabby. So get the hell out. That doesn’t mean up or down stairs, either. Make for the nearest exit, and don’t look back.
10 Trust no one
Your girlfriend, your cute twin nursery-aged cousins, even your best mate – there’s nothing they want more than to see you lying on the floor, scooping your entrails back into the open wound that used to be your abdomen.
What have any of your so-called friends ever done for you, anyway? And whose idea was it to come to this God-forsaken woodland hell-hole in the first place? He who dies last laughs hardest. So leave your morals at the door – there’s no place for them here this Halloween.
Words by Dan Masoliver
Photography by Zoe McConnell