Over the last few days, right, there’s been this big film festival called Tribeca. We’re not entirely sure what it does, because whenever it comes up in conversation we just nod and sip our pint and pretend to understand precisely whatever it is the other person is talking about.
It’s something to do with new films, right? You show them off and then rich people are all like “Hey, wouldya take a lookit that?” (they speak like this because we’re in America, you understand) and then said rich people give the film-makers money so they can show everyone else the film.
Complex! What we’re really interested in, though, is the fact that there were a lot of gorgeous women swanning around in fancy dresses. We love it when that happens! So what follows is a definitive guide to all the sexy women of Tribeca 2011. If you feel we’ve missed any, tell us in the comments and win a prize!*
"I still think we should have gone for Twisters. Twisters are ace"
Rachel Bilson was attending something called the Original Film series which they claim was “Inspired” by Magnum ice cream. We prefer the word “sponsored,” and if they want to claim that all the films were inspired by posh choc-ices then we demand footage of everyone involved chowing down on a Magnum.
Red carpet pictures are hard to write captions for
Nina Dobrev of The Vampire Diaries fame was watching Last Night, a film with a synopsis so rambling and dull we started reading and before we knew it, it was tomorrow and our mouths were full of a choking grey dust.
Really, it's not our fault. There's just nothing to make jokes about
Gorgeous model Hilary Rhoda was also at the premier of that awful-sounding Last Night film. Maybe it works better when you actually watch the damn thing. It’s got Keira Knightley in it, so it can’t be all bad.
Siamese twins were surprisingly ethnically diverse
And just before we’re finished with Last Night, here’s Eva Mendes inexplicably wearing a sort of dress-suit. Where’d she get that from? Who sold it to her in good conscience, knowing that they’d be covering up one of our spiciest Latin cougars? She’s stood next to Stephanie Romanov, who you might remember from Angel back in the day. Or you might not.
"God's sake Kate, cover yourself up, you're a mess"
Jessica Alba (pregnant, sadly) and Kate Hudson (also pregnant, also sadly) were attending the premier for A Killer Inside Me, a film what they are both in. Here they are, having a lovely time. Jessica’s trying to frisk Kate for something or other, maybe, and Kate’s all “Hey Jessica you so wacky!” Fun times.
Fun fact: Miranda Kerr is part swan
Miranda Kerr was there for her husband Orlando Bloom’s film, The Good Doctor. We know that we told you this yesterday. She’s just here for the sake of completeness. If you’re not happy with this state of affairs then just shut your eyes and stop looking at the picture of beautiful woman Miranda Kerr. It’s no skin off our nose, pal.
If you got any cuter than Hayden Panettiere currently is, we're pretty sure you'd become a kitten
Lovely, lovely Hayden Panettiere was promoting her new film Hoodwinked 2 and also watching the biopic of her ENORMOUS BOYFRIEND Wladmir Klitschko, who isn’t pictured because no-one could find a large enough lens. We’re just kidding, Wladmir. Please don’t hurt us. Please.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Kate Bloody Upton
UPDATE! Kate Upton was there, too, watching some tedious and probably heartfelt documentary called The Bully Project.
*Disclaimer: Prize may be intangible, invisible to the naked eye, or even non-existent. Prize may in fact already be in your possession, and we will simply claim that we sent it to you in the past because we were "sure you’d win." No cash equivalent is offered, nor does the principle of “cash equivalent” make sense because there is no actual prize. Employees of FHM, families of employees of FHM, or anyone who’s ever walked past our offices or shaken hands with one of us may not enter.