Oh no, wait, that’s not Abel Xavier, is it? It’s the highly talented freak show that is Nicki Minaj. The 26-year-old raptress turned up at the Grammys dressed like the spawn of a liaison between the aforementioned Portuguese right back and a leopard. And her outfit got us thinking. What on Earth has happened to everyone’s favourite steroid-using footballer?


Well, after he left Middlesbrough in 2007, he played for LA Galaxy for a season and then, in 2009, he quit football and converted to Islam.

"It's an emotional goodbye and I hope to participate in something very satisfying in a new stage of my life,” said the former Everton star. “In moments of grief, I have found comfort in Islam. Slowly, I learned a religion that professes peace, equality, freedom and hope. These are foundations with which I identify.”

Wow, heavy. So let’s get back onto a lighter subject shall we? Oh, we know, let’s talk about Helium. Did you know this chemical element carries the atomic number 2? Or that it was first discovered in 1868? Or that FHM once got suspended from school for drinking during the school play?

...Plus Mummy...

Okay, that’s got nothing to do with Helium, but we have a very short attention span. Plus we decided these words would be better used finding out about you, dear reader. So… have you ever been suspended from school for a ridiculous reason? Or played the First Bow Street Runner in Oliver? Let us know, because, as ever, a good anecdote is worth £25.

...Equals Nicki