Soulful songstress Alicia Keys has been immortalised in the ancient – and, let’s face it, tremendously creepy – art of wax figure-making at Madame Tussauds in New York. She looks fantastic. Shame about the figure, though.

How do you get into waxwork manufacture, anyway? At what point in your life – as a sculptor, we presume – do you figure, “You know what, I’m sick and tired of expressing myself through my art. What I want to do instead is make a series of not-quite-realistic-enough-to-not-be-creepy giant wax dolls of famous people. That’s where my life is going now – as an uncanny valley merchant for the stars.”

Alicia Keys and her creepy waxwork
Ugh it's weird we don't like it at all

Maybe it’s just down-on-their-luck sculptors who apply – maybe they mixed with the wrong crowd at sculpting school, picked up a junk habit, and marble lions just aren’t bringing in the moolah like they used to. Maybe it’s unemployed sculptors who’ve been hit hard by the recession. Think about it – when’s the last time you commissioned a granite effigy of yourself? Probably not for a while, we’ll bet.

And while Alicia Keys is undoubtedly gorgeous, whoever they got to do her model clearly phoned it in. Look at it. The skin tone’s all wrong. The face is wrong. The whole thing is just wrong. It looks like a cross between Tulisa Contostavlos, Alesha Dixon and Michael Jackson.

As we said, creepy. Anyway, it’s done now, and we can’t change that. Well, we could always go and melt the terrifying effigy, but they probably have security measures in place to stop that kind of thing.