(We'll get to the whole 'Who is Ariadne Artiles?' thing in a bit...)

You know what it’s like, when you live/work/study in the same place for quite a long time, you get used to the surroundings. You know where to go for your lunch. You know which barista does the best coffee. You know which shop does a Mars bar for 5p cheaper than all the rest. Heck, you’re even sufficiently familiar with Neal The Tramp’s daily routine to know the skip outside Londis is best avoided between 7 and 8pm because that’s his ‘sexy time’.

Ariadne Artiles hotpants
Wallpapering: total ballache

And then, one day, for no reason other than that no one's gonna stop you, you nip in somewhere else. You try a sarnie from that place that gives out flyers sometimes. You realise that the newsagents you normally stroll straight past sells a wider selection of Yop flavours than your usual one. You take a slightly different route home from the bus station and spot a tree that looks a bit like Eamonn Holmes playing air guitar. And sure, it doesn’t transform your life irreversibly, but it does make you think, 'Hmm, yeah, I should broaden my horizons every once in a while. And look at that tree – riff it, Eamonn!'

Which leads us nicely onto Canary Islands-born half-Spanish half-Venezuelan Ariadne Artiles. She's a sanwich/milkshake/podgy presenter-shaped tree we've never seen before, but we're glad we have now.

Ariadne Artiles sexy
"i've always hated that Eamonn Holmes bloke"

What else would you like to know about Ariadne Artiles?

She was born in 1982, which makes her 28 or 29, depending on whether or not she’s had her birthday this year. Obviously, there’s a one in 365 chance that her birthday is today – so happy one in 365 birthday, Ariadne Artiles.

She’s five-foot eight-and-a-half-inches tall, which means she’s not one of those models who would look like an arthritic giraffe trying to squeeze into the passenger seat of your Peugeot 106.

Ariadne Artiles tight trousers
So good

And she’s a size six, which is good news. If she was a size zero she’d be all like 'no way are we going for a McDonald’s drive-thru on the way home from IKEA'. But, because she’s still pretty trim, she’ll probably order some chicken nuggets, be bullied into getting the meal because they make you feel like a complete idiot if you don’t have it ‘coz it’s only like 30p more or whatever, and then only eat half of it.

Oh, and her name kind of rhymes with Ossie Ardiles. A bit.

Ariadne Artiles naked
So far off the hook she can't even see the hook in fact she probably doesn't even know what a hook is