Beyoncé is great. You know what’s better than plain old Beyoncé, though? Beyoncé in lingerie. And there’s LOTS of Beyoncé in lingerie in this very video, so you should probably go ahead and take a look.
Fun fact: Beyonce eats flowers like normal people eat corn on the cob
There’s a song attached to it, too, we’re assured – it’s called Best Thing I Never Had, and it’s about wisely dumping someone then marrying the right person. That’s fine with us. The best thing we’ve never had, however, is that mythical throat infection that gives you a sexy voice. Somehow every time we get a throat infection we end up coughing everywhere and going pale.
So Beyoncé, then, is in her pants. She’s in some tremendously complex undergarments too (they look as though they took a team of skilled artisans ages to fit) which hint at some sort of wedding to come, a hint which is further reinforced by (firstly) a veil and (secondly) Beyonce charging around a golf course in full bridal wear.
With a deafening roar, the retro-boosters engaged and Beyonce shot into the sky like a rocket
This, of course, is the happy wedding. Not to Jay-Z, mind, who’s a bit old and wouldn’t show up so well on camera – she’s marrying some nice young man in a hip-and-happening ceremony with dancing, singing, laughing, clapping and more cleavage then we’ve seen her display in years. Seriously, the girls are being put to good work. Full marks all round.
All of the above is interspersed with some footage purportedly shot in 1998 of Beyoncé dancing with some buster (as TLC would put it) who’s all over other women and, for some reason, wearing a crown. Perhaps he’s King of the Jerks.
"Man, what a hard day! How was work for you?"
"Oh, not bad I guess. I pulled off Beyonce's garter with my teeth."
"I hate you, Steve."
Anyway, at one point Beyonce circa 98’ leaves him and he’s sat weeping wearing the crown, and we’ve discovered there are fewer things more sad than watching a becrowned man cry. Take it off until you’re finished, mate, eh?