Forgive us for saying, but you’re looking so crazy right now. This might be because you’re awash with excitement at the prospect of Beyonce closing this year’s Glastonbury Festival. Or, of course, it could be that you filled with rage at the prospect of Beyonce closing this year’s Glastonbury Festival. But either way, let that emotion flow through your body people, because it looks like Beyonce will almost definitely be closing this year’s Glastonbury Festival.

“This really is the biggest festival in the world and I can’t wait,” said the 29-year-old yesterday. “I’m pumped just thinking about the huge audience and soaking up their energy.”

Hint, hint, hint, eh? And it comes just after festival founder Michael Eaves revealed that the act closing the Pyramid Stage on the final evening was: “An American artist that I’ve been wanting for yonks and yonks.” Oooh, 2+2 = Beyonce.

Is that how these things work? Is issuing a statement saying that we’ve been “wanting them for yonks and yonks” really all we have to do to get Candice Swanepoel or Jessica Alba on the cover? Cool. In that case, we want Alessandra Ambrosio and Megan Fox too. And we really, really want Mila Kunis.

Okay, enough grovelling, back to Beyonce. Tell us how you feel about her almost definitely headlining Glastonbury. Wait, actually don’t. We couldn’t care less. But we do care about your hilarious festival stories. Send us some NOW! Because nothing makes a Friday afternoon pass quicker than a tale about a drunk stranger rolling down a hill in a locked Portaloo.


Blackened Lobster was a wanted sex pest