Beyoncé, eh? She’s a busy lass. She’s working on her fourth album at the moment (when she’s not releasing perfume and, to be honest, getting us a bit excited with the adverts) but she’s taken time out to help First Lady Michelle Obama promote her campaign to get children fit again. 


Quick, everyone strike a stupid pose!

See, kids these days are fat. Fatty fat fat. All they do is roll around on their enormous spherical guts to the cupboard, grab another packet of monster munch or a box of Micro Chips, and then roll back to their computers and go back on Facebook or Myspace or World of Warcraft or whatever it is the kids are doing these days.

We just don’t understand children.


They should eat more apples, like Beyoncé

It’s even worse in America, where a lot of people are quite fat already so fat kids don’t quite look so bad in comparison. Mrs Obama has decided it’s time to cut this shit out (not a direct quote, we’re paraphrasing here) and get kids moving around and eating healthily - and who better to help out than popular frenetic dancer and songstress Beyoncé Knowles?

No-one, that’s who. Beyoncé dances so hard (and the cuts in her videos are come so quick and fast) that it’s like watching a pressure headache put to music. It’s dizzying. She’s quite something. So in this new video, she’s trying to get kids to dance around with her by outlining a number of prospective dances in song so we can join in.


"Aaaaaand.... RIVERDANCE"

Except. Except, except, except. She moves too fast. Far too fast for us to keep pace. Beyoncé love (if you’re listening), we can’t keep up with you. You detail around thirty different dances, and we can’t really even do one dance. Maybe if you focused on the “Dad dance at weddings” or “flailing around like a twat after too many pints” or “shuffling around awkwardly behind a sexy woman” we could work with you.

Even if you don’t dance along with her, she’s wearing hotpants in the video and due to all that frenetic dancing, she’s bouncing around (as Bootsy Collins said it best) “like two big ol’ balloons in a hurricane.” So, you know, give it a look.