Have you ever being convinced you were going to die?
"In an emergency escape pod on an oil rig. In Dundee, on a massive tower. You get in, and it’s like a tin box, and they drop you from a massive height into the sea. I really thought “I am going to die”."
Have you ever spent a night in jail?
"I’ve spent over 700 nights in jail because I was caught with a concerning supply of a Class A restricted substance, contrary to the misuse of Drugs Act 1974. It included four Christmases."
Have you ever woken up somewhere and not known how you’ve got there?
"Many times. I woke up once on the floor of a pub with a dart in my head, and I really didn’t know what on earth had happened. There’s a friend of mine who owns a pub, and we got shitfaced. It was one of these roadside pubs in the middle of nowhere and I’d gone to sleep and crashed out on the floor and the lads had carried on drinking. The dart just fell down and hit me on my head, and I woke up and was just looking up at the middle of a darts game, and really didn’t know where the fuck I was."
Have you ever knocked anyone out?
"I knocked someone else out with the boom of a boat by failing to tell him to duck, or failing to yell out, and they were doing something else, and it caught them on the back of the head, and they were sparko. I didn’t have to go and rescue them because falling into the sea woke them up."
Have you ever written off a car?
"Yes I have. I write off a Maserati when I had only had it for about four days. I accidentally pressed the accelerator and the brake at the same time to move away from the lights because they were very close to each other, and it span out of control and hit the wall and the airbag took my thumb out of the joint, which was horrible."
Have you ever slept with a woman heavier than you?
"Yes, many times. You should always do that as well. All men should because it’s a test of manhood. An old producer of mine once said to me that anyone can sleep with a beautiful babe, all lovely lingerie looking great, but to take on the challenge of something a bit more mampy pampy, that’s a test of manhood, to see how deep the instinct of breeding really is and take on something really big and ferocious."
Have you ever sent anyone a picture of your penis?
"No, never. I wouldn’t do that. There’s too much of a paper trail."
Have you ever been fired?
"There was a stage where I had never had a job where I hadn’t been fired from, or walked out of, by having a big argument and being told to get out. I was sacked from a jeweller because there was a suspicion I’d smoked marijuana at lunchtime. That was when I was a kid. I’m not going to go into all of them."
Have you ever set yourself on fire?
"I’ve had a hair fire before, when I had a big quiff, and we didn’t have a lighter in the house so we were using gas to light cigarettes. I leant down, and there was a lot of spray in my hair to keep this massive quiff high, and it really went up."
Have you ever broken a bone and not realised?
"Well, I wouldn’t know."
Have you ever missed a crucial event to watch sport?
"I have missed countless weddings for football. But that was when I had it bad. When I had it bad, I would lie and make up feeble excuses and do whatever I could to get to games."
Have you ever been bitten on the balls by an animal?
Have you ever ridden an animal other than a horse?
"Yes, a donkey. When I was a kid, in Cornwall."
Have you ever stolen something big?
"I’ve stolen a few cars. Not really, I just wanted to say that."
Have you ever sunk a boat?
"I’ve sunk a canoe with a friend of mine. We used to have a double canoe when I was at school that everyone hated using because it used to leave fibreglass embedded in your legs, which is really painful. So we deliberately sank it. We just put holes in it, capsized it, filled it with water and it just went down. It must have weighed, like, 80 stone by that time."
Have you ever spent more than a £1000 on a round of drinks?
"Yeah, when I got my hole in one at Stoke Park on a charity day for the Spoony Classic Golf Day. By the time I got back to the clubhouse there was over 100 people standing there with empty glasses and I had to buy every single person in the clubhouse a drink."
Mud Men is on the History Channel at 9.30pm every Monday