It has likely not escaped your notice that Britney Spears is back Back BACK*. The latest stage in her campaign of backBackBACKness is a video for her single Hold It Against Me, which is playing out in front of your eyes RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND.

The video is, of course, not just a melange of images of Britney Spears looking Really Quite Good in lots of small clothes. Oh no. Britney is creating a 'buzz'. She is an 'artiste'. Her video has 'symbolism'. And some 'pants'. So put on your half-moon glasses, assume a quizzical expression and come with us on a Freudian amble through the many layers of Hold It Against Me.

Something big is about to hit the Earth. This is possibly a metaphor for something big (the Britney video) about to hit your eyes (which are not really like the Earth, but are spherical, so that's a bit similar).

Britney is hot again. This isn't really symbolic, it's just great news.

Hey, did you know Britney also has a perfume? Available, places.

Britney is surrounded by microphones, because her entire life is lived in the media, you see. It makes her so angry that she sometimes pretends she's the lion in the MGM movie studio logo.

Sony also sells many fine products that you may wish to purchase.

The white dress is a classic symbol of the virginal and innocent. But, as Britney has previously explained, she is "not that innocent".

Eyeless wonks. Symbolic, perhaps, of the fact so many look but they do not see. Perhaps.

Two Britneys! Battling it out. Because Britney has two sides. What are those sides? Well, red and blue. But which will win? There is no evidence of 'shaven headed, proper bonkers Britney', so that's a good thing. We're not sure of the difference between these two, to be honest.



The many TVs showing you old Britney videos are to tell you that Britney has lived her entire life on screen. The mucking them up is to show you that she's different now – now she has ravey squirt fingers.

It's just frankly bloody exhausting, really.

Did Britney destroy all sides of herself? Who is the real Britney?

Leather-clad cleavage Britney is the real Britney! SO NOW YOU KNOW.

*Oh yeah, Smash Hits references - super current