We're not talking about the time she shaved off all her hair and assaulted a car with an umbrella, either. That's OLD NEWS. But she's released a new crime-filled video, which is NEW NEWS. And that's what we're all about.

We first see Britney looking swish in some form of evening gown and attached to some loudmouthed twat at a swanky London do. Kudos to the director; he's managed to make this man as unlikeable as possible without painting a tiny toothbrush moustache on him and having him annex Poland.

Britney Spears Criminal video
Britney's approach is inexorable

Anyway, he's a jerk, right? We know he's a jerk because not only does he disrespect Britney, but drags her out of the party and punches her right in the face. That's a classy move right there, pal. Let's hope there's no mysterious strangers walking by ready to defend her honour, wait is that a-

BANG. Turns out there was a mysterious stranger ready to defend her honour (and face), played by her real-life boyfriend Jason Trawick, a man made out of equal parts rugged and abs. She kicks her now-previous boyfriend square in the nads, and walks off with this violent man who just aided her in an assault. Top notch.

So Jason's house is mainly built from old lockers, as it turns out, and he has a GUN in one of them because he's a CRIMINAL do you SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. What does Britney do when she finds the gun? Does she report him to the authorities? No. She gets off with him and then they go rob a corner shop together, which is nice.

Britney Spears Criminal
That's us, by the way. This is how the British police work

But then the cops show up. And because this is England, the house is immediately surrounded by men armed with submachineguns and blown to shit. That's just how we do things over here, you know? All that tea and crumpets stuff is just nonsense. But do Britney and her new lover escape with their lives intact? Obvo. But it was a fun ride.