Britney Spears has got a new video out for her song called I Wanna Go. It’s nuts. Take a look at it, if you reckon you can handle the unadulterated oddness.
Well, it’s not entirely unadulterated. Some adultering (adultery? - no, that's different) has clearly happened, but it’s still up there as far as Britney’s videos go. Let’s take a look:
First, we’re at a press conference where Britney is dressed as Avril Lavigne. Maybe it’s for a fancy dress party – the reasoning is never made entirely clear, but here we are. Anyway, she loses her shit pretty quickly and starts swearing at everyone (aside from a guy in a crown – Protip: Never swear at a guy in a crown) and walks out. Out on the town. To cause some mayhem.
Mayhem revolving around behaving inappropriately for a young mother, mainly – she starts off by squeezing a man’s arse so hard he does a backflip. We’ve done some extensive testing in this field (‘cause we’re professionals) and we can tell you, the threshold for backflips is pretty high. Mainly dudes just punch you in the face if you squeeze their arse, we’ve found. Or at least move slightly further down the train.
Next up, in an act of vigilante justice, she whips out her tats to distract a hunky police officer, nearly gets arrested, and then bumps uglies with him behind a parked car on a busy street. It’s not even her car. In fact, it’s implied that there’s a bloke still inside the car, presumably watching it all happen. Or at the very least too scared to drive away lest he incur her Spearsian wrath.
Who’s next? Photographers. Man, Britney hates photographers ever since one killed her dad back in the Second World War. She duffs up one but more come out of the woodwork and, as photographers do, all stand on cars around her to get a better shot. But Britney’s ready for them. Oh, is she ready.
In a move reminiscent of that are-we-allowed-to-fancy-her-this-is-a-bit-weird schoolgirl GoGo from Kill Bill, Britney produces a microphone and whips it around her head so hard she literally beats the faces off the photographers. She’s going to have to screw a whole load of police officers to get away with this one, she thinks, but it turns out that’s the least of her problems because the photographers are now ROBOTS. Deadly photographic ROBOTS.
Luckily, a curiously ugly man pulls up in a convertible and rescues her, at which point she dances around in a bikini and he pours a carton of milk all over his face. Then it was all a dream. Also, seashells are involved.