Have you ever seen that E4 programme Made In Chelsea?

If you’re anything like us, you’ll be saying “Of course I bloody haven’t. It’s a faux-posh ersatz reality shitfest where some attractive people do a not very convincing job of pretending they’re having tumultuous relationships with each other when in fact they’re just hammy actors looking wistfully at Hollyoaks in the way Hollywood waitresses dream of being Scarlett Johansson while they’re serving up waffles and grits”.

1. Ensure that the central heating is in the off position. 2. Obtain a radiator bleed key and a colth or some kitchen towel to catch any drips. 3. Open the bleed key by turning it anti-clockwise. 4. When water comes out of the bleed valve, turn the bleed key clockwise to close the valve. 5. If no air or water come out of the bleed valve when it is opened you may need to top up the system with water

But, if you are anything like us, the truth would be “Sadly, yes. I’ve seen every bloody episode. Some of them twice. I can’t explain it, nor help it. Something just draws me into it every week. Despite the fact I know what it’s going to be like, I find myself transfixed. I’m like a heroin addict, without the highs. At least I can pretend I’m only watching it to see the hot girls – Caggie, Millie, Funda and Binky (yes, they really are called that) – when in fact I’m genuinely invested in the narrative, the “will-they, won’t-they kiss on the polo field?” and the shots of random expensive cars driving past which do nothing to convince me that these people genuinely are that loaded”.

I actually take the bus

Made In Chelsea is currently enjoying a summer hiatus, leaving Mondays free for more worthwhile tasks, like watching A Question of Sport and trying to reconcile whether or not it’s okay to still fancy Sue Barker (the answer is yes, of course).

In the meantime, you can get your fix of Caggie Dunlop in more! magazine, where she reveals that “I think the secret to confidence is dressing for yourself” and “I don’t usually wear leather, but I feel so sexy in this”.

For more pictures see the latest issue of more! magazine, on sale now.

Number one is girls pretending to be Babar the Elephant Prince during sex