Most Halloween costumes are pretty dire. We went from "vampire with a bin bag for a cape" at the age of six to "nondescript bloke in a suit" at the age of 23, where we've pretty much stayed. People are free to infer their own costume on a man wearing a suit; it's dead egalitarian and modern, honest, it's not that we can't be bothered.

Candice Swanepoel, however, clearly can be bothered. Much like the previous two articles (part one here and part two here), we're going to have a look at these costumes which stand awkwardly between novelty and fetish.

Sexy Air Stewardess!Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy
We'd ensure she removed her shoes before using the emergency slide, if you know what we mean

Candice, here, dons a subtle Halloween outfit - so subtle, in fact, that unless she was wearing that iconic hat, you'd have no idea that the mini-dress indicates aeroplane staff. A stark commentary on fear of flying, Candice is embodying the sheer terror that we feel when the plane lurches off the runway and our stomachs turn themselves inside out.

But let's not stop there - this costume is not only drawing parallels with our fear of terrorism on the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, but also underlining the love-hate relationship that mankind has with all technology. As we become interconnected beings with implanted microchips and the capacity to transport ourselves between continents in a matter of hours, what does it mean to be truly human? Candice knows the gnawing doubts that lie at the hearts of all men.

Sexy Angel of Death!

Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy
We'd reap her rewards, if you know what we mean

A bit of a no-brainer, this - Candice is become Death, Destroyer of Worlds. Much sexier than Robert Oppenheimer, this latest incarnation comes with a mask (to hide her identity much like the hooded executioners of old) and a pair of jet-black crow wings mounted on her shoulders, so to warn mortals of her approach in advance. But warnings are futile when dealing with Death, for none can halt her inexorable onslaught.

Having lost the outmoded cloak and instead plumping for a bra and pants combo (with a strip of fabric linking them to each other for reasons unknown), Candice shows off her exquisite mortal body as a reminder of the earthly shells we all inhabit before inevitable, endless oblivion.

Sexy Cat Woman!
Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy
We'd make her purr, if you know what we mean

They say cats used to sit near newborn babies and steal the breath from them - and they're right. For each choked infant, a cat grows more powerful and long-lived, and their innate shapeshifting abilities increase.

Here Candice is disguised as a deadly ancient feline who has drunk deep on the innocent souls of childen over her seven hundred years of unnaturally-lengthed life, lending her the power to take an almost entirely human form. This outfit says - "no matter how well you protect your loved ones, no matter how hard you strive and how well you plan - I will steal their breath and end their tiny lives." Chilling.

Sexy Pirate!
Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy
We'd splice her mainbrace, if you know what we mean


We all love a good sing-song now and again, but some people have to ruin it with piracy. Hanging over the music industry like an easily-downloadable Sword of Damocles, the threat of music theft* is ever-present.

"Kayne West sure makes some great music," you think to yourself as you fork out a tenner or more for his latest album, "but imagine how much better it would be if he received money from ALL the people who listened to it, not just us with enough disposable income to warrant spending it on mp3s?" All of our artists - even ones who pretend they aren't, like Radiohead or Nine Inch Nails - are cursed to not achieve everything they could thanks to piracy. Will we ever see another Jimmy Hendrix while the internet exists?

Probably not. Sobering stuff to contemplate.

* That's music theft, not musical theft. Musical theft is when you steal the entire cast of My Fair Lady and sell them in the back of a pub to some bloke called Dave with prison tattoos