Let’s be honest, Candice Swanepoel is favouring treat over trick, on account of her wearing all these ridiculously sexy Halloween costumes.

Bloody hell, Candice, you’re almost not fair. Last week we came out with a bunch of our favourite fantasies involving Victoria’s Secret girls, and then you rock up out of nowhere in a set of slinky Halloween costumes created by Victoria’s Secret. Don’t you know that we’ve got work to do? Places to be? Girlfriends to pay attention to? Cats to feed?*

Here’s our rundown of the five best Candice Swanepoel costumes. Hope you like ‘em!

5. Sexy sailor!

We'd shiver her timbers, if you know what we mean

The smell of salt water in your nose, the pitch of the deck under your shifting feet, seagulls shitting on your hat – the atmosphere onboard a ship is romantic. We can’t argue with that.

Candice’s costume celebrates that fact and comes complete (incomplete?) with big ol’ holes in the side, cuffs but no sleeves, and a jaunty hat to be worn at a rakish angle. It’s also got anchors on the cups, too, to reinforce that she’s supposed to be a sailor and not some sort of Japanese waitress.

4. Sexy police officer!
Candice Swanepoel gets sexy for Victoria's Secret
We'd take her in for questioning, if you know what we mean

Candice, you have the right to remain SEXY. This costume consists of a police officer’s hat, a pair of handcuffs, and an official police-issue bodice. And before you accuse her of not looking much like a rozzer at all, bear in mind that every police officer wears a similar garment under his or her uniform. Honest.

3. Sexy... gambling?
Candice Swanepoel gets sexy for Victoria's Secret
We'd roll her over a table, if you know what we mean

Candice here is representative of the concept of gambling in rather loose terms – bit of a weird costume, but who are we to judge? Between the cards on her head, the fluffy dice in her hands, and the Ladbrokes’ ticket stubs lining her underwear (not pictured) she’s the very model of organised betting. 

You might be thinking that this costume isn’t especially scary, but you’re wrong. The threat of gambling addiction hangs heavy over our nation, and it’s a far realer threat than any ghost or goblin you care to mention. Stark social commentary from Candice, there.

2. Sexy... Charlie Chaplin?
Candice Swanepoel gets sexy for Victoria's Secret
We'd Charlie her Chaplin, if you know what we mean

Seriously, what is this? She’s got a sort of mesh hat on, which points to her aping cinema’s first and greatest clown, but the white pockets and fluffy stick thing seem to be making a vague thrust towards croupier. But who the fuck wants to dress up as a croupier in their spare time? Lunatics, that’s who. And croupier fetishists

1. Sexy Devil!
Candice Swanepoel gets sexy for Victoria's Secret
We'd pitch her fork, if you know what we mean

Nothing sexier than the prospect of eternal damnation after failing to live a pious life in the service of our Lord God, eh? This bra and pant set are linked by sequined straps for no reason other than a feeble attempt at decency, and are sold alongside a pair of devil horns and a glittery pitchfork. The sort of pitchfork you’d use to torture glittery sinners in your glittery hell-pit, we presume.

By the way, you want some more sexy costumes? Then why not check out Girls’s Costume Warehouse, courtesy of Collegehumour.

*Well, not any more. Guess that problem kind of took care of itself eventually