With Yuletide fast approaching, there's nothing more heart-warming than getting a celebrity involved in the festivities. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the Kerry Katona ads for Iceland, would they now? Twelve turkey drumsticks for a quid? Makes life worth living again. Even if the meat content generally ranges from between 0.02 and 0.04 of a percent, the sense that you're getting a bargain outweighs any degenerative diseases you may contract in the process of consumption, bird flu included.

Chantelle Houghton hoisted atop Christmas tree

Holy mackerel! The second coming has arrived. Get down on thy knees and repent lest ye be eternally anathematized, thou depraved heathen. Wait a second. We spy a harness there. Oh, and the second coming bears more than a passing resemblance to Chantelle Houghton. And she's armed with a plastic wand. To be honest, good Lord, we thought you would have put on more of a show than that. Where's your sense of drama? You can put on a good natural disaster when you feel like it, but, if we may be so impudent to say, you're selling yourself short with this one.

Chantelle reaches the summit

Yeah, that's more like it. If you still haven't figured out what Chantelle is doing there from a philosophical perspective, don't worry, because neither have we. But for material purposes, she was at the Lakeside Shopping Centre in Essex (where else?) launching their Grotto Lotto promotion, which basically entails giving out some free wonga to 'lucky shoppers' (which is also a pseudonym for 'the manager's wife'). In the meantime, Chantelle is trying to break David Blaine's record for being suspended in the air for the longest period of time without food or water, relying solely on mental will to satiate the bodily necessities. What's that? David Blaine cheated? There was a hologram in the perspex box all along? Oh, well. Chantelle, you are declared winner. You can come down now.