We've heard some nonsense in our time, but we think this takes the biscuit. A survey of iPhone users has resulted in Charlotte Church being voted the celebrity that British women most resemble. Now, we're not saying that the average woman is aesthetically inferior to Charlotte Church, but we just went out of the office to do a reccy and first bumped into a hunchbackess with a cleft palate and subsequently an otherwise lovely lady with a large wart perched above her upper lip. Our encounters were by no means typical examples, so we admit the data was skewed. The women we tend to attract makes it hard to collect accurate data.

 Charlotte Church Miss Average?

Anyway, an even greater absurdity in this survey, which was evidently compiled by a collection of misanthropic nerds, is the celebrity who the great British male supposedly resembles. Peter Kay. Now, we know most of us are carrying a few extra pounds nowadays. We even may well be deserving of the title of 'Fat Man of Europe' (though in comparison with the anoxeric French and Italian, this isn't difficult). But surely the average male is not quite as unhealthily overweight as the inimitable comedian. There wouldn't be a man over fifty alive if we were.

Miss Average, really?

This survey deserves very little recognition as a basis for fact but as an experiment in self-perception it is perhaps more interesting. Not much more, but slightly more. Also on the list of the top ten conventional women's faces were Cherie Blair and Deborah Meaden (the chirpy one from Dragon's Den), and on the men's side included Prince Harry, James Corden and Usher. 3,000 men and women were questioned in the survey, and on being asked where they placed themselves in terms of attractiveness, on a scale of one to ten, the total average rated at 5.5. Britons, we are selling ourselves short. Let's go outside, take off all our clothes and celebrate each other's beauty. Until we get arrested, anyhow.