The Spitfires have been scrambled. The Panzers are in position. The infantry are poised to advance. Tension is palpable, and the fallout could signal Armageddon. Cheryl Cole has dared to provoke the Stavros Flatley of this year's X Factor, Wagner Carrilho, and now risks losing all diplomatic ties with Brazil in consequence. Here is the sequence of shocking events. Wagner says (of Cheryl), "She's just a girl from a council estate who got lucky when someone gave her a job in showbusiness." Cheryl retorts, live on X Factor, "I've heard this week you have been making comments about me to the Press, about being from a council estate. Yes, I am. And I am very proud of my roots and I am very lucky." Game on.

 Cheryl Cole at war on x factor

 Despite criticism that her comments were made in an inappropriate forum, she has, according to The Mirror, refused to apologize for her strident retribution. Why should she apologize? If a talentless buffoon makes a class insult about our lovely Cheryl out of a perceived slight that she hasn't been paying him enough attention behind the scenes, then the said talentless buffoon rightly deserves contemptuous derision. We think she was incredibly moderate and restrained in her defence. OK, she could've perhaps not mentioned it at all, but if we were insulted in such a manner, the perpetrator would be challenged to an immediate duel. On the proviso that we could have a gun and they a plastic ruler.

Besides (sorry, rant not over yet), the hypocrisy of this imbecilic halfwit is astounding. He thinks Cheryl got lucky? We suppose he thinks his recent (and inevitably transient) fame is entirely due to the ingenious novelty and hilarity of his act, not because Simon Cowell is revelling in the financial benefits that keeping a cretin in every week is doing for tabloid inches. OK, we may have got a bit carried away in our fit of spleen. It's due to an imbalance in our humours. Wagner's probably not all that bad (Das Rheingold is actually quite good). But he can't expect to pick on people and get away with it. We were bullied at school, just in case you hadn't already figured out.