Now that Katie Waissel and Wagner have been dispatched in one foul swoop, there isn't that much news left that's worth reporting in general. So, instead, we've gone hunting around a bit in the CIA archives, and after paying off a mole in the Pentagon we are proud to bring you the latest exclusive piece of declassified information that'll make all the other WikiLeaks revelations look rather naff in comparison. Though, to be honest, so far, nothing has been that surprising.

So, we hope you're holding onto your hat, or whatever else you may be holding onto on a boring, weekday afternoon. Now, we all know that Justin Bieber made a "call me" sign to Cheryl Cole on X Factor last night. That's old news. The reason behind this seemingly innocuous gesture is what we can now reveal. Justin Bieber is in fact a Mossad agent recruited to seduce Cheryl to extract crucial information regarding her role in the escalation of recent tensions between North and South Korea.

 
Don't be duped by her beauty. Many men in her wake have died as a consequence

Bet you didn't see that one coming. No, we didn't either. But then it's never the ones you expect, is it? If you thought that his actions were merely those of a 16-year-old upstart trying his luck, then he's got you fooled. Justin isn't the dumb little piece of plastic, manufactured pop that we've all been taking him for. He knows what he's doing. Besides, you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of a Mossad agent.

 
North Korean agent Cheryl Cole has pervaded every strata of British society in preparation for attack

Sorry, but a fog seems to be descending. Must be the anti-psychotics wearing off again. We have the occasion interval when we actually believe this is all a figment of our imagination, before returning to lucidity once again after another ingestion. Ahh, that's better. So, we hope you appreciate this leak, unlike all those other predictably anti-climactical ones. But if it gets back, tell them you heard it first from Julian Assange. He's got so much shit going on at the moment that it wouldn't matter.