Sunday night's X Factor contained the biggest scandal the world has seen since Domino's started doing Subs and we got all confused. What next, McDonald's doing salads? Ha, don't make us laugh.
The crux of the scandal was Cheryl Cole's decision to abstain from voting. Fans were furious:
We weren't. Our X Factor addiction has waned somewhat of late. And we find it difficult to be furious at Cheryl Cole. She's too cute. It's like having a newborn puppy, all cute and innocent and fumbling, knock over your bonsai tree and accidentally tread the soil into the carpet. When he looks up at you, all doleful eyes and adorableness, you feel ashamed at the rolled up newspaper in your hand.
As well as Chezza's ability to induce forgiveness like a brilliant puppy, we've noticed she's a bit delicate. When she contracted malaria, her life was in danger and the world was about to end. When girlie striker Didier Drogba contracts malaria, he's on the pitch two days later. What can we deduce from this? Cheryl Cole is a bigger wuss than Didier Drogba. He's not as cute, though.
We've noticed something else - yes, we're on form today. Kate Waisell - the tearful warbler Cheryl saved by not voting - is looking more and more like one of those Troll dolls that were popular a few years back.
"I just, like, totally, want to be the real me."
See? That's her right there. Told you, didn't we? And yes, when you think about the scale of a full-sized human girl, that is a bloody big ladybird. What of it?
It saddens us somewhat when earth-shattering controversies are created by television programmes. Who cares that we'll all have to work until we're 104 and that no one can afford to go to university anymore? Cheryl Cole hasn't voted and Ann Widdecombe is still in Strictly Come Dancing - that's what matters.