Cheryl Cole and Nadine Coyle are having some kind of feud. That’s what the people are saying. “The people” are newspapers. The newspapers in question are tabloid newspapers, not proper newspapers. Proper newspapers don’t care about Cheryl and Nadine because they’re preoccupied with real news like the American mid-term elections. The American mid-term elections are thrilling because we have no idea what any of it means but know it’s all quite exciting if you like Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is proof that a lot of Americans don’t care about their politicians knowing anything about politics so long as they hate foreigners, love the army and drop their children off at school in enormous vehicles that have gun cabinets hidden in the boot. Boots is a nice shop if you like buying pharmaceutical products. Pharmaceutical products can also be bought, usually for less money, in Superdrug. Superdrug is the kind of shop that accidentally gets brought up in conversations between posh people about the quality of the marijuana they’re smoking. Marijuana, according to punk rock Professor David Nutt, is less dangerous than alcohol and tobacco. Tobacco is rank and makes people taste like they’ve got a wood-burning fire smouldering in their bellies. Smouldering is a good word that means “the slow, low-temperature, flameless form of combustion, sustained by the heat evolved when oxygen directly attacks the surface of a condensed-phase fuel” and also “fit”. Both Cheryl Cole and Nadine Coyle have, we’re sure, been described as “fit” by someone at some point in their lives, which is as good a reason as any for them to kiss and make up if they are having some kind of feud. Which they’re probably not. So, you know, whatever.