A team of degenerate hackers have leaked nude photos of Christina Aguilera after obtaining them from her stylist's computer. What type of people do this? Never mind about freedom fighter Julian Assange, it is individuals such as these who should be vehemently pursued by the police, and when caught consigned to the stocks, before having their feet mercilessly tickled until respiratory failure.
Needless to say, we won't be displaying them here because it is strongly at odds with our sense of morality. Perez Hilton's posted them up, which is another reason. We'd never want to be aligned with that sociopath. Unlike him, we are not in the business of exploitation and humiliation. What we find more interesting are the details of the story itself. Like, what was her stylist doing with the photos in the first place? And isn't it rather convenient that someone should choose to hack into her stylist's account, and, lo and behold, they discover a set of revealing photos?
Christina at the film premiere of Burlesque in Madrid
We are not saying that the stylist was in any way complicit in the revelation of the pictures. Heaven forbid, no. A stylist is meant to be a trusted confidante. Surely they wouldn't jeopardise an entire career for, say, $200,000 dollars. They probably get paid more than that in a year anyway. So, that can't be it.
Christina had to be forced out the house, so humiliated was she by the leaks
Now, this upcoming theory is really cynical, but it needs airing anyway, if only to discount it. Christina's new film, Burlesque, premiered yesterday in Madrid, and she's been doing all the usual promo stuff to make sure it gets as much publicity as possible. This forces us to question whether the timing of the leak was slightly suspect. Could it have possibly been engineered by the whole Aguilera PR team for the purposes of promotion? We really hope this isn't the case. It would irrevocably damage our rose-tinted worldview. So, all that leaves in terms of culprits are the Chinese hackers. Yeah, it must've been them.