Yes. We know. Another X Factor story. There's been so many histrionics this year that we're surprised the whole nation hasn't taken up arms and declared the monarchy redundant. Long live the Republic. Well, as we all know what happened to Robespierre (if you don't, go and take a History GCSE), most of us have wisely decided against that course of action. Instead, we're quite content to sit glued to the box like the docile, compliant, homogenous mass of zooplankton scooped out daily from the London Aquarium.  And we wouldn't have it any other way.

At the centre of this carnival... well, Cheryl Cole is probably right and the centre, but not too far off to the left, or right, you'll see Dannii Minogue. If there's anyone who doesn't necessarily belong in this bear-pit of back-stabbing duplicity, it's probably her. Having had the rather manic Sharon Osbourne on her case for long enough, and now, with suffering the indignity of playing second fiddle to our national treasure, Cheryl, she's often been left in suspended animation, unsure whether she's loved or loathed, admired or feared. OK, maybe that's slightly over the top. It's only a TV show, after all. There's no sense in getting worked up into a murderous frenzy over such trivialities, is there?

Well, of course there isn't. We're not a bunch of complete gazoonatics here. We have perspective. Except when we're on a merry-go-round with our eyes closed and then we suddenly jump off and attempt a headstand. That's when things tend to go a bit awry. So, we feel qualified (so long as not on that damn merry-go-round) to talk to Dannii, one-on-one. She told The Mirror, "There's a lot of bickering behind the scenes. I can't keep up with all the arguments we're supposed to be having." We know you're fed up. We are too. But hopefully the pay-packet helps you sleep at night. And if not, you know where you can find us.