Elisabetta Canalis, long-time girlfriend of international good-looking bloke and actor George Clooney, was photographed on a boat a couple of days ago. Aside from being on a boat, she looked absolutely incredible.

It was in Cannes, by the way, like everything else that’s happened this week. But we’re determined not to mention that, except that we just did. Oh well. Moving on.

Elisabetta Canalis walks the plank
Be honest, you'd stare too

We lied in the headline, by the way. She’s not on the high seas at all. The “high seas” is an old-fashioned term for “International Waters,” where you can go to do all sorts of naughty things without getting told off. Or alternatively you can go there and get your pirate on without fear of much national retaliation.

Well, she’s not there. She’s in a dock near Cannes (damnit we said we wouldn’t mention it and here we go again) languorously walking up and down a gangplank whilst wearing a dress that looks like it’s escaped from the front cover of a fantasy novel somewhere.

Elisabetta Canalis in a sexy red dress
Belts: scrappy

You remember, back when you were growing up; maybe your older brother had a book about barbarians or wizards or something, and there was always a buxom woman in robes that revealed more than they hid draped over a staff or a dragon or a muscular barbarian thigh. Yeah. One of those.

Brings back memories. We doubt that Elisabetta possesses any magical powers, or the ability to train dragons passed down from her forefathers, or a variety of larcenous and etiquette skills in her role as a noble thief. We doubt she even unwittingly holds the amulet that could prove the salvation of the barbarian tribes, which is a shame. We’d still give her the time of day though.