God, that’s a weird headline. That’s not what you expect when you come to FHM at all. At least the Eva Longoria part is normal, but the rest of it? What on earth is robot coffee, anyway? Let's find out together.

Eva Longoria, now she’s done promoting her new cookbook, is back to a laid-back life of acting and standing near things endorsing them. Indeed, you can see her at the grand opening of the Tassimo Brewbot Cafe, looking sexy and leggy as usual.

Eva Longoria battles robots at a coffee shop
A warning: this is the only picture in the article that makes sense

Tassimo make fancy coffee machines, by the way. Just to clue you in.

So it’s all going great, then of a sudden, giant robot. Giant robot right next to Eva Longoria! Look at its dead green eyes. It hates you. She’s a trustworthy soul, is our Eva, so she approaches the potentially lethal automaton with a smile and only a sliver of visible trepidation. She’s brave, she is.

Eva Longoria battles robots at a coffee shop
Jesus Eva get away from it it's got NO SOUL

As you can see, the robot has a giant cup of coffee imbedded in its chest, presumably where the Destroyer Cannon would go in the final build. It dispenses a viscous black fluid - somewhere between oil, phlegm and pure liquid despair - into the cavernous innards of the cup.

Eva Longoria battles robots at a coffee shop
Too much coffee for one tiny woman

Eva, no! Don’t drink it! Don’t trust robots! We’ve warned you about this in the past. All robots are EVIL.

Eva drinks deep of the vile robot brew. Mechacaffiene floods her tiny fleshy nervous system. Hopefully her redoubtable Latino metabolism can shrug off the worst of the ill effects, and she won’t end up dancing around like a wide-eyed lunatic.

Eva Longoria battles robots at a coffee shop
Looking at this picture is only improved by listening to this while you do it

Oh. Oh well.