”Oh, hello, Eva Longoria, where have you been?”


You may not have seen much of the 35-year-old Texan of late. And that’s not because you spurn Desperate Housewives in the same way that you spurn charity muggers, The X-Factor and rabid dogs. But more because she’s become a walking advert – becoming the face of Bebe Sport, L’Oreal, Hanes, Magnum, Heineken, Microsoft and rapey-sounding US fashion brand London Fog. Strange, then, that her siblings didn’t spot her commercially saleable looks as a child. “They used to call me la prieta fea,” she moans, “which means ‘the ugly dark one’.” Hmm: they missed off ‘incredibly stinking rich’. Who’s laughing now, eh?

Longoria’s latest project, an autobiographical rap promo for the 2010 MTV Europe Music Awards (Where? Madrid When? November 7), is a good reminder that she’s not just a walking rent-a-commercial. She’ll also, if the price is right, dress up in high heels and a swimming costume and drop some rhymes. Rhymes like these:

I’m a latte, on a hot day,
Fast and cheap like Maserratti

But when I’m talkin’, let me make it clear,
Pay attention boys, yo my eyes are up here!

I’m the queen, yeah I am the host
And any time I want I can order French toast, yo!

[Something, something, something]… BITCHES!