Oh, Ashley Tisdale. What have you done?

We thought you were one of the nice ones. A good egg. We don’t see you stumbling out of Time & Envy with your underwear on show. You haven’t dated every man who’s ever donned a football shirt. You haven’t starred in a sex tape. You haven’t offended millions with some ridiculous notions on religion. You’ve just gone about your business, doing the acting and the singing in a thoroughly dignified manner.

We’d have been proud to take you home to our mum. She’d have put the good tablecloth down. The decent china. She’d have cooked one of her specials. Something that would’ve taken her hours to make. And you’d have been all genuine loveliness: “Oh, Mrs FHM, you really shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble. Please, let me do the washing up at least,” and she’d have acted like she’d knocked it up in a manner of seconds. Then you’d have settled down together on the sofa and pored through embarrassing photos from our childhood. “Aww, look at him sprawled out on that towel in the garden, with his little willy flopping about in the sunshine. Last year that was taken.”

"You're under arrest for stealing a much bigger woman's shorts..."

Well now look what you’ve done. You’ve gone and got yourself arrested. We don’t know what for. We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that it was some minor infringement, like jaywalking, rather than something more significant, like jay-killing.

What’s that? You weren't really being arrested? It was actually just for a TV show? A TV show called Extra? Save it for the judge, Tisders.

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