Oh, America. For all your flaws, we love you. Even though you created Rebecca Black, of all things, there’s a lot of good left in you.
Pixie Lott's bag gave abseiling a go
Like in the way you insist on holding awards ceremonies for everything. Everything. And not just rubbish stuff that no-one attends, like The National Teachers Awards (and apologies to any winners or nominees, but it’s a poor excuse to fill up two hours of TV), but stuff that requires really beautiful women to show up dressed in fancy clothes.
Taylor Momsen doesn't care what you think, buddy
Women like Selena Gomez, Pixie Lott, Erin Sanders (Hit Girl from Kick-Ass, that's her in the red dress), Kim Kardashian, Taylor Momsen and Victoria Justice. So yeah, good work, America. This particular award ceremony, we’re assured, is the Kids’ Choice awards for Nickelodeon. We’re not terribly bothered what it’s about, really, as long as gorgeous women keep showing up. It could be about anything they want. We don’t care.
Erin Sander's dress can fit in her handbag. FACT
As far as we can tell, the Kids’ Choice awards are useful for two things. Firstly, if children approved of the work that a celebrity has done over the last year, they are given an award. (fun fact: a Kid’s Choice award also functions as a kaleidoscope. We’re not making this up. Google it) Secondly, and this is the more interesting part, guests are “slimed” at various stages of the ceremony.
If you stare at Victoria Justice for long enough, you can see the magic eye pattern on her dress. At least, that's the excuse we're using
Remember Noel’s House Party, and how he used to pour a sort of fluid goo over celebrities with malicious glee?* Man, America is still all over that shit. We think it’d perk up the Brit awards next year, especially if the acceptance speeches go on too long.
*God, that sounds disgusting when you take it out of context, but then again, it sort of is. Noel Edmonds goes through the whole affair with an enjoyment and intensity that makes you worry he’s about to start rubbing himself through his pockets at any second.
It’s perverse. There’s a kind of bukkake-esque spectacle to it, the way it continues past the point of decency, the applause and hoots of the audience... everything. Hopefully the Kids’ Choice slime is less borderline pornographic.