Did you watch the super bowl? We didn’t - it's confusing, for a start. Line of Scrimmage? Hail Mary? Touchdown? They sound like pretentious Shoreditch cocktails (well except the last one).

And it was on like, really late, and our brains were already fried from trying to re-understand the six nations, and we'd been on a train…

Anyway, turns out karma’s a bitch, because if we’d stayed up late we could have seen Fergie from Black Eyed Peas strutting about the place in $2m worth of diamonds. Makes what we had planned for the missus this V-Day seem a bit crap now.

Her diamonds were apparently from Harry Winston, who we thought ran those fish 'n' chip restaurants, but apparently that’s Harry Ramsdens. We've never heard of him. Whoever this Harry guy is, he has diamonds. Lots of diamonds.

And you know, if you think about it, despite looking incredible while she wanders about the stage doing her thaaang, Fergie is being pretty cruel.

Wearing that many expensive sparkly things is going to add a hella amount of pressure when Val Day comes up next week.

We can imagine the sheer horror when we present the missus with her gift on the fourteenth.

“Here you go darling.”

“What the fuck’s this?” screeches FHM’s better half.

“It’s a watch. From Argos,” we reply. "The sales lady told us they were cool. Plus, we could finally use that stale gift voucher we got for crimbo. Win win. “And here's a chocolate I nicked from a Travelodge pillow.”

“Fergie got to wear $2m of diamonds,” she sulks. “I want diamonds.”

The moral of the story is, make sure your girlfriend doesn’t find out about Fergie’s diamonds. You just can’t compete with that. Like, ever. Unless you’re Alan Sugar.

Which, if you’re reading this, you’re probably not.

(Hi Sugs)