We haven’t seen much of old Fergie lately. What’s she been up to? Hibernating? Learning a language? Doing one of those intensive driving courses? Donning a giant red deer stag costume and trying to confuse poachers in the New Forest? Watching The Only Way Is Essex? No. Raping Slash, that’s what.

Rescued Chilean miners congratulate Fergie on her Slash-raping antics

The Black Eyed Peas front-woman plays an obsessed fan of the Guns ‘N’ Roses guitarist Slash in the video for his new single Beautiful Dangerous. She tracks down the axe-strumming rocker and lures him back to his apartment, before drugging him and tying him to her bed. What sicko came up with that idea, we wonder?

Oh, Fergie herself, apparently.

“She went to a dark place,” said a probably trouser-bulging Slash. “She nailed it.”

Fergie told US Magazine: “I wanted to stalk him – just a normal day at the office.”

That’s not a normal day at our office, Fergs. We’ve literally never spent a day in the office stalking Slash. To be honest, if we were going to stalk Slash – or any other musician, for that matter – the office would be a pretty bad place to do it. Unless he just happened to be in the office that day, which, let’s face it, is unlikely, we’d have absolutely no joy whatsoever. Fergie’s stalking prowess clearly needs some work. You could spend a day in the office stalking someone else who works in your office, that would probably be quite successful, if a little unchallenging. 

Fergie and Slash in happier times. "I'm soooo gonna rape you later."