Poor 24-year-old British actress Gemma Arterton had to wear a massive fake nose on the set of her new film Tamara Drewe. It’s okay though, because actually in real life Gemma Arterton’s nose is lovely. See:

According to IMDb, Tamara Drewe is about: “A young newspaper writer returns to her hometown in the English countryside, where her childhood home is being prepped for sale.”

This, chums, is how FHM writers Tom Howard and Josh Woodfin feel when they return to their comfy family homes in Devon after endlessly smashing out words for the bawdy masses on a daily basis. Shops close, women scream, young girls faint and they get showered in free meaty snacks from the local Oggy Oggy Pasty. Once they were asked to turn on the Christmas lights but had to say “no” because they were rescuing an old lady from the jaws of a dragon in Budleigh Salterton. Turns out she was a relative of Josh’s best mate’s brother’s sister’s internet friend’s dad who owns a chutney factory in Yelverton so they were given 165 jars of sweet apple chutney each as a thank you. Tom and Josh are both big fans of crackers and cheese and have often been seen frowning at each other in restaurants when presented with a cheese board with no chutney on it.

“No one likes a dry cheese board Tom,” Josh says.

“You are right Josh,” Tom says.

So now they both carry a small pot of the chutney wherever they go because if you are in the enviable position in life of being able to cross ‘being given a dry cheese board’ off your Bad Things That Could Potentially Happen To You list then you might as well. They don’t talk about it much, instead choosing to work hard, stay out of trouble and have the occasional pint of delicious cider.

ARTERTON:

1/ Gemma Arterton: not just a bit of ass
2/ Gemma Arterton has gone and got married
3/ Gemma Arterton at Clash Of The Titans

FHM:

1/ Christina Ricci in Black Book magazine
2/ Shakira is sexy in Jack magazine
3/ Marisa Miller for Captain Morgans