The above video is - well, we're not sure what it is. It's all in Italian. It's got Elisabetta Calanis doing all kinds of sexy dancing in it. So, you know, alright then

Elisebetta Canalis, who’s famous for being George Clooney’s girlfriend and not a lot else, is now not even famous for that because they’ve broken up. In the case of any other celebrity breakup story (like Bar Rafaeli and Leo DiCaprio) we’d normally complain about the man’s actions, but we can’t here.

It’s George Clooney. Dude can do what he wants.

Elisabetta Canalis on an Italian cookery show
Sorry, we don't make the rules

So Mr. Clooney is no longer interested in cresting the tanned, supple slopes of Mt Canalis and has moved on to different climes. Which – and this is a little mercenary, but time is of the essence – leaves Elisabetta ripe for the taking. Think about it.

George Clooney is successful, good-looking and wealthy. We’re almost none of those things. We can be everything she’s never had. Sure, Elisabetta, you’re being wooed by male models and actors with chiselled jaws, but what about us? 

Elisabetta Canalis on an Italian cookery show
The chefs, by the way, are there because Elisabetta was on an Italian cookery show recently

Bet none of them live in a poorly-insulated flat in Streatham. We do. Everything's different down Streatham way, love.

Are they offering to take you out for a romantic dinner? Well we can’t afford to right now. We’ll cook you a meal instead, which is much more romantic. Do you like spaghetti hoops, Elisabetta? Of course you do. Everyone likes spaghetti hoops. They’re the Faithless of tinned goods.

We can show her a world (cue Aladdin music) that she’s lost – a world of 2-for-1 deals, a world of hand-rolled cigarettes, a world of playing Call of Duty until we fall asleep in our pants at 2am. Come on, Elisabetta. Join us.