Kelly Brook is a very hard thing to get wrong. She is empirically beautiful, with the kind of figure usually only seen on female fighters in video games designed for teenage boys. She is just essentially good. This is what she usually looks like.

Lovely. However, there is always someone who will make it their business to ruin nice things. Ruining nice things today is Giles Deacon. He is a clothes designer. We're sure he probably makes exceptional clothes – we don't know, we're not really fashion experts, we leave that up to the FHM fashion desk, because they have a desk made of fashion, whereas ours is just made of chipboard and vitriol. But even if he does make exceptional clothes, he also occasionally makes incredibly hot women look ridiculous. This is what he did to Kelly Brook.

Kelly Brook for Giles Deacon

Look at her. LOOK. Giles Deacon might have more fashion awards than can fit on his shelf, and a women's clothing line at New Look, but what's he done to her EYES? She looks like an extra from a '70s episode of Doctor Who about some lizard women who essentially look like humans (because the budget's not very big) but have scaly eyes that make you worry that if things ever did work out between you two and you had a child that it would wind up looking like it had ocular eczema, which would be terrible for everyone. She's got disco conjuctivitis. And there are random eyeballs dotted all over her torso. Fashion, you are MENTAL.

Kelly Brook modelling for Giles Deacon

Not content with messing about with Kelly Brook, Giles Deacon then made Abbey Clancy look like she was auditioning to be a dancing girl in Shrek: The Musical.

Abbey Clancy at Giles Deacon

Not right.