Halle Berry is forty-four. Just take a moment to digest that. Forty-bloody-four eh? Halle Berry could quite conceivably be your mum. Well, not literally, you’d probably know by now if Halle Berry was your mum, we just mean she’s of that age.

But imagine Halle Berry was your mum. That’d be pretty bloody cool, right? She’s one of the most highly paid actresses in Hollywood so you’d probably never have to spend your Saturday mornings in Waitrose carpark wearing a hi-vis tank top vest type thing and moving shopping trolleys around.

It might be something of a double-edged sword, though.


Halle Berry, in case you hadn’t noticed, is pretty damn hot. Having a hot mum isn’t good. A kid at our school had a really hot mum and we’re pretty sure he never really enjoyed the pool parties at his house.

Also, Halle Berry has a daughter who is two years old. Assuming you’re a bit older than that, that could be a bit of a drag. Two year olds are prone to having a bit of a cry, a bit of a sick, and a bit of a ‘let’s smear food everywhere including all over your favourite jumper just before you’re about to wear it’. The little blighters.

Anyway, last night, your mum Halle Berry presented an award at the Golden Globes. So that’s why dad had to make dinner and you ended up eating scalding spaghetti hoops on frozen potato waffles at 9.30pm while watching the snooker in the lounge. That would never happen on mum’s watch.

"What time will you be home, mum?"