Irina Shayk is Cristiano Ronaldo’s hot Russian model girlfriend. At the risk of ruining the rest of this article by reverting to a moan about how greasy, millionaire super douches get all the luck, we’re just going to be a grown-up about it. Unfortunately, we’ve had a look and there’s no iPhone app for that, so we’re back where to we started. Guess what, Cristiano? Irina doesn’t even like football. Ha! In. Your. Sometimes quite orange face.

Irina Shayk has long legs and a Twitter account
Good hamstrings: Irina Shayk shows off her legs, which are magnificent

Irina Shayk has curves, gorgeous tanned skin and kryptonite-green eyes. She’s been going out with Ronaldo since January, which means she’s stuck with him through the revelations that he put a little Ronaldo is an unnamed American women, which was born back in June. The little Ronaldo, dubbed Cristiano Ronaldo Jnr for marketing purposes, is being looked after by his mum and sisters while daddy plays football for Real Madrid to such a high standard that surely at some point this season Jose Mourinho is actually going to lick his face.

Here's his latest goal for Real Madrid, which is more down to great work from Xabi Alonso and Angel di Maria. All Ronaldo does is run in and tap it in with his knob. Still, they all count.

Tap in: Cristiano Ronaldo scores in Real Madrid's 5-1 mauling of Murcia

Irina Shayk blows a kiss for the cameras at the Glamour awards
Final whistle: Irina Shayk blows a kiss for the cameras

What else is there to say? Irina Shayk was wearing this very un-Royal Horticultural Society dress at the 5th Top Glamour Fashion Awards in Madrid. Ronaldo didn’t go because he’s a megastar athlete and needs to put his feet up for optimum muscle repair before his big game against Sporting Gijon on the weekend. But guess what? He only went and turned up at the end so that he could nab a goody bag.

Cristiano Ronaldo, King Douche