Hey Irina Shayk, what are you up to today? Walking the dogs? Going down the shops for a pint of milk and some fags? Redecorating the spare room? No? You’re attending another premiere of a film you weren’t in and looking absolutely fantastic, as ever? Oh, good.

Irina Shayk, of course, isn’t a real person like you or us. We doubt she sweats, eats food, or ever has to go to the bathroom – indeed, the only reason she ever changes her clothes is not because they’re dirty (dirt wouldn’t dare approach her, of course, much less adhere to her clothes) but because if she didn’t, she’d be unfashionable. And no-one wants that.

No, Irina Shayk is about as close to an elf as you can get without strapping on a manly beard and going on a trip to Middle Earth – she’s got the same unearthly glamour as them, the same incredible beauty, and we reckon she’d be a pretty good shot with a bow too.

The premiere, if you’re interested (and therefore bored of looking at Irina Shayk and instead looking at these words, which is pretty unlikely to be honest) is called Our Idiot Brother.

We made a movie about our idiot brother once - we filmed him pushing as many smarties up his nose as he could. It was pretty hilarious. The fact that he’s our older brother, that it happened last year, and the subsequent inquest into his death mean that it’s probably pretty disrespectful to put it on YouTube. Which is a damn shame.