We’re normally fully on-board with Ronaldo-dating Russian megababe Irina Shayk. Whether she’s looking hot in silly shorts, going topless to sell shoes, or wearing thigh-high boots to the cinema, we’re fully appreciative of her work.
But even we, arguably her biggest fans, find it difficult to support her latest venture – trying to assassinate US President Abraham Lincoln.
We’re a bit sketchy on the details, but we think Irina Shayk was planning to travel back in time to a time before 10:13pm on April 14 1865 and end the President’s life.
One-eyed Fred was bashful in the face of beauty
Fortunately, none of this has any basis in reality, and is in fact just a fanciful hunger-induced whimsy of ours based perilously loosely on the plot of The Conspirator, which is the film Irina Shayk was attending the premiere of.
Irina Shayk’s not even in the film, and has absolutely no plans to master time-travel to assassinate a president who has already been assassinated (at least that’s what she wants you to think...).
If FHM conquered time-travel, assassinating Abraham Lincoln would be so low on our 'to-do' list that it wouldn't even be on the list in the first place.
The first thing we'd do is go and see Nirvana headline Reading, give Kurt Cobain a big hug and, as we left, turn back and say "Don't do it, man" in a way that suggested we knew something.
Then we'd probably have a series of wily adventures in which we met the teenage version of our mum, inadvertently changed the future and erased ourselves, rushed to put everything back the way it was, and then got a crazy-haired pretend doctor to help us catapult back to the current day by driving 88mph in an American sports car. But, y'know, that's just us and Michael J. Fox.
If legs could kill Presidents...